So, to take a leaf out of the immortal Carlin's book (imaginary-God rest his soul), I'm starting an occasional series called "COMPLAINTS AND GRIEVANCES"

1: Fucking My Immortal

It's been said. This shit sucks hardcore. When I read the first few chapters, apart from resisting the urge to blast every fiber of my arguably delusional brain out the back of my head, I rather hoped the writer was trying to parody this kind of thing.

But their not. Not at ALL. This fucker takes herself (I'm sorry, it must be a her. No one but a flamingly gay man spends that much time on their appearance, and they have enough taste not to write something like this) SERIOUSLY.

It's depressing.

It's not just depressing, it's painful. Seriously, they should use this in Guantanamo as torture, except I bet it violates most of Geneva.

And I quote:

"The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun."

Let's just examine all the people she offends here.

First: ACTUAL VAMPIRES
They aren't real, but if they were, they would be offended.

Second: Goths
They're already a joke in a lot of cases, but those of them who aren't total idiots are sort of interesting. They either grow up and become my girlfriend (I love you Emily ) or they get even more evil, read Camus and Nietzsche, discover hardcore drugs, and become ME!

Third: Wiccans and Satanists
One is a stupid pseudo-religion, populated by tween girls rebelling against their parents and people who I actually respect, and the other isn't nearly as impressive as it sounds, but both are still better than people who butcher the English language like this!:
"AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte."

Now, If you're done beating your head against the screen, I'll continue.

I draw your attention to a section of Chapter 3:

"“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte."

I've got just a few comments here, then I'll finish the rant.

1: Manson is a legitimate artist, who is being insulted here. I doubt this bitch understands that all his stuff is making fun of people like her, or expressing serious sadness about their patheticness.

2: Cigarettes don't make you cool. Take it from me. All they do is give you lung cancer.

3: Smoking crack, which is the only real drug you can smoke effectively, is STUPID. It's arguably stupider than cigarettes.

4: I hate to bring this up, but this person has obviously never read the books, because flying cars are FUCKING ILLEGAL!

5: Why is his license plate 666? That's not a legal plate ANYWHERE.

And then, from chapter 5:
"And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."

She can say fuck, but not penis or vagina? Jesus Christ.

And here:
"We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)"

Again, pathetic inability to use basic clinical terms, but notice her misuse of the English language. And I must ask, have you ever worn skin tight leather? It hurts, and it itches like hell! So I don't see why she would wear a fucking leather bra.

Again:
"AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!"

It hurts, doesn't it?

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”
Voldemort speaks Middle English?

I'm sorry, but I can't stop criticizing.
"I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not."

Misspellings galore. I must once more question whether this is some sort of sick joke. The name of the band is so bad, it must be sarcastic. Why the hell would a furry mountain man like Hagrid be a member of a band like this? Why wouldn't a vampire be able to spell the word cross? Unless there's some clause to this thing I wasn't aware of.

There's more, but I can't dissect the rest of it, it hurts too much, and I think I'll spend some time with what's left of my sanity.
Bye.

If you want to present your own commentary, go to [link] But be careful, it's dangerous.